Many moons ago, a kid, around 9 years old, decided to stay up all night just to have the chance to watch how the sun would rise at dawn. He was staring out of the window of his room, gazing at the stars looking down on him, but the sight of the brightest one of ’em all, Venus, caught his attention.
10 years later, he finds himself looking at the same star again, not realizing how much he’s changed, of how much different he is from what he was back then, and of how much he has equally lost and gained along the way.
For many years, that kid has been struggling with how he would be able to fit in this world. Would he be that Wallflower who would be in the background of everyone else’s? Would he be that Somebody who would step up among the others and be the star? Or would he be that Neutral Being who would always be between those who wants to get the limelight and those who could care less?
It wasn’t a smooth road when dealing with family for him. Most often he considers himself the reason for many fights the family members had, especially the one concerning his dad. And as many of us would understand, there’s no other person we look up to as our dads. Well, our moms are special and all, but dads just still have that something that makes us feel more secure and safe. Same goes for this kid.
He had encountered a lot of personalities along the way, too. Various personalities that, partly, he claimed as his own. Some friends left, others became silent, but I know he’s glad with the ones who stayed. With friends who know how to keep their word and keep themselves from bad habits, he knows he’s with good company now.
It’s still a long way for him though. Still too many paths to take. Still too many challenges to undertake. And below this star-filled sky he stares at Venus’ light, and thinking of whatever he would become in the future. Maybe by then, just like tonight and the night 10 years ago, he would be staring again at this star, and would take time to look back again at this kid he once used to be.
Would it be gruesome like those who decided to end this life themselves or the ones who went through murder? Would it be as noble and patriotic as the ones who put their lives on the line just to protect their fellowmen? Or would it be as romantic as old people who lived life together and both parting this world while feeling the warm breeze of summer under an old oak tree?
Death has always been a companion of our unconscious mind. We know it’s there. We know it’ll meet us one day. But there’s always the thought that there will be another day; that there will be tomorrow. But what if there’ll never be another tomorrow? Would you be able to say you’ve served your purpose?
I wouldn’t say I’ve already had met my true potential. I’m still young and I can say that I still have a lot of things to live for; my friends, my family, and everyone around me. Yes, I’ve had a lot of mistakes in the past, but that was what has brought me to be the person I have become. I’ve become a collection of people; people that has given me a part of them, and making a person out from these parts.
If I would die today, I would gladly accept that fate. If I’m happy, you might ask? Yes, I am. Because I know I’ve lived every day and every moment of this life to its fullest; that I might have done stupid things along the way, to which I have learned from its consequences. So yes, I’ll gladly meet our old friend Death, who’s lurking in the trenches of our unconscious mind, and bid this world farewell. It may not be as epic as soldiers battling for freedom, or as amorous as elders growing old together, or as pathetic as those who commit suicide, but I know that it’ll be something that’ll justify my stay on this temporary universe.
So if you were to die today, how do you think it’ll be?
Sometimes I question the integrity of actions of the people I call “friends”. It’s hard when you give your trust to people you consider to be part of this category yet deceitfulness is their gameplay.
How do you even know when their intentions are true? As a kid, I’ve always seen this portrait fronting our main door with two dogs and the caption, “If you want to have a friend, be a friend”. I’ve been bringing that principle up until now. Somehow, I really don’t know which part I’m screwing up. Am I really that bad a person? Or is it something I did or said that pushed them off? Or are some just really opportunists that grab you by the feet to make way for their own benefits?
I could never really answer my questions and all I can ever give are assumptions. And I hope that these corrupted thoughts about the people I consider as friends would just leave me be. But somehow, their inconsistency is just comparable with the cliche “action speaks louder than words”.
The winter breeze swoops down on the highways chilling everything he passes by. He finds himself mesmerized on the sight of the starry, starry night above him, and starts to remember bits and pieces of memories he didn’t know was with him all this time.
Don’t trust the heart of a lover. He finds ladies to get by through the night and expects no one beside him when sunlight touches his eyes. To love, or make love, is his essence. Commitment was always an issue and his loyalty, questionable.
Don’t trust the heart of a lover. He reaps you just when you’re at your weakest and leaves you hanging when you have thoughts of you and him having the same feeling. He’s a gambler. A player. And he’s pretty good at his own sport. The love game is his forte, and he’ll do anything to win, even it means to cheat or lie.
Don’t trust the heart of a lover…because these hearts will never be understood. People will criticize. People will always generalize. People will always think of you as a douche bee enjoying himself from flower to flower… when in fact a memory still remains, haunting you over and over and over.
Never ever trust the heart of a lover.
Because it’s only these kind of hearts that turn other hearts into ones like theirs —chilling hearts, just like the winter breeze.
That was all the time it took for you to get me. Flashing lights dancing with the fountains behind us. You’re just there sitting with a smile on your face. Your eyes gleamed in the night as if they were made up of stars from the heavens. Eyes that reach out to the bottom of my being, gently saying that you’re all I need to make my world become a little less depressing.
That was also all the time it took for me to remember who you are and realize that all between us will just be fantasy. You know, our worlds just won’t mix. Even though I really want to, I just know that it won’t. You’re living in a world where everything seems to be perfect, which is pretty much contrary to what I’m living in right now. So maybe it was better that I’ve looked away from those eyes of yours after that 2 seconds of unexplainable bliss before anything..happens(?)
Right then and there, I realized that maybe there’s just things in life that, no matter how great our desire for it, will never be ours.
Now all of that is left behind. Strangers, again.. in 2 seconds.